Methods to humiliate your self in Kyiv

Methods to humiliate your self in Kyiv

So that you skipped my recommendation on why it’s best to by no means go to Kyiv and already in your solution to right here? Here’s a listing of the way to humiliate your self in Kyiv and really feel actually embarrassed – have enjoyable, however take it with a grain of salt!

Fail to know jokes about Kyiv mayor Vitaly Klitchko

Kyiv metropolis mayor, Vitaly Klitchko, isn’t solely a boxer. He’s a logo of Kyiv, and easily a legend. Each public speech of Vitaly Klitchko turns right into a joke or tons of memes. So make sure that to ask who’s Vitaly Klitchko to really feel actually ashamed and embarrassed.

Overlook that Kyiv is a giant village

Considering that Kyiv is a millionaire metropolis, and also you would possibly do no matter you need as a result of you’ll by no means meet this particular person once more, would possibly end result into many embarrassing conditions. We name Kyiv a giant village, as right here you would possibly meet anyone in a really stunning place or circumstances. The information is unfold lighting quick right here, particularly unhealthy information. It takes nothing to not hold a promise and be an asshole right here, however in a few hours everyone will find out about it.

Overlook about Friday night visitors

Not solely you embarrass your self by forgetting about Friday night visitors in Kyiv, however you additionally threat lacking your flight. On Friday night, many locals go away the town and go to their dacha (home outdoors of Kyiv), which creates big visitors jams. So make sure that to recollect about it, and plan your time forward.

Ask for faucet water in a restaurant

So that you simply requested for faucet water in Kyiv restaurant? Really feel your self actually embarrassed, when you discover it in your invoice, when as an alternative of a faucet water you get your 0,33 bottle for a value of a beer. Faucet water in Kyiv isn’t actually drinkable, until it’s filtered, otherwise you actually just like the style of chemical compounds. In some eating places/cafes they could give you filtered water without spending a dime, however that’s slightly a rarity. For those who did discover a place the place you bought your free faucet water, let me know, I stay up for write an article about it.

Skip Kyiv Perepichka for MacDonald’s


For those who keep away from to remain in a line to get Perepichka – some of the well-known Kyiv quick meals, and go to native MacDonald’s, you’re already humiliated deep inside your coronary heart and your abdomen. Perepichka isn’t solely an area sizzling canine, it’s a logo of a metropolis. And we, locals, respect our symbols, particularly if they’re represented by meals.

Skip markets, if you wish to purchase stuff

Inform locals that markets in Kyiv suck, and get actually humiliated. Locals in Kyiv imagine that all the things is best on the native markets (meals is brisker, clothes is cheaper and many others). Lots of fashionista you see are most likely shopping for their trendy stuff at some Rynok at Troeshchyna or Lisova (well-known native markets). One other native factor is weekly meals festivals (yarmarka), when the farmers carry handmade meals to sure spots and promote it at rather more reasonably priced value than in a grocery store. A real Kyivite won’t ever miss it out.

Seek for bicycle tracks in Kyiv

Particularly attempt to search within the downtown Podil, that’s deliberate to be a paradise for biking in Kyiv. I assure that you will discover none, however you’ll take pleasure in locals laughing at you. For those who dare to experience a motorbike in Kyiv, select amongst biking in a park, biking on the toes of pedestrians or on the highway for vehicles. Or stroll your bike. Kyiv provides you a lot alternatives to humiliate your self on a motorbike.

Ask if there’s gonna be snow in Kyiv in June

If in case you have chosen Kyiv on your summer season trip, however hold pondering that it’s gonna be a polar expedition, not less than make sure that to not say it out loud. We’ll make you are feeling actually humiliated by our laughter or sarcastic jokes. Summers in Kyiv are actually sizzling, and also you would possibly most likely discover the snow solely in a fridge of your rented house. Speaking about fridges…

Attempt to open a locked fridge whereas shopping for water from the kiosk

And robotically put your self within the group of “humiliated and embarrassed”. As a result of a real native is aware of {that a} fridge outdoors of a kiosk is at all times locked, and the vendor opens it for you when you say what you need and pay for it.

Ask to separate the invoice in a restaurant/cafe

Ask to separate the invoice in Kyiv, and expertise a variety of embarrassing emotions. Likelihood is, the waiter/ess would possibly do it for you, although they won’t miss an opportunity to let you understand that it’s not a traditional factor right here. For those who nonetheless resolve to expertise this second of humiliation, do it on the start, earlier than making an order. Simply in case.

Overlook to rub the sculptures in Kyiv

For those who see that the nostril or shoe of that sculpture has utterly completely different shade than the remainder of the physique, it means we rubbed it and made needs so many occasions, until the colour is modified from black to gold. Overlook to do it if you wish to embarrass your self in entrance of locals who present you round. I personally made so many needs already that I forgot what I wanted for. However the principle concept is to want and hope, isn’t it?

Seek for bus timetables


Get more odd appears from locals by trying to find bus timetables in Kyiv. Hear them laughing at you, when you do imagine a bus will come in response to its schedule. And don’t you dare to suppose that marshrutka (Kyiv minibus) will depart on time. Solely when it’s so full of individuals that you would be able to hear their heartbeating.

Seek for waste sorting bins in Kyiv

Firstly seek for it inside your rented house in Kyiv, as soon as after you divided your yogurt bottle into all of the doable items. Settle for that there might be only one bin for all the things. Exit on the streets of Kyiv, search over there. Ask locals for it to get embarrassed, or just settle for it and get unhappy. There are a few organizations accepting paper, plastic or glass, however most likely you’ll have to remain in Kyiv for some time, to gather sufficient yogurt bottles and drive them into some godforsaken a part of the town.

You don’t move cash for a experience in marshrutka from hand handy

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“Go the cash, please”

There are particular rituals in Kyiv public transport, particularly when you hop on marshrutka (minibuses in Kyiv). Individuals who sit on the again often move cash to the driving force by giving them to an individual who sits in entrance of them. Then the identical method they get their change. It’s very simple to humiliate your self by deciding not to participate on this ritual. Particularly if marshrutka is full.

Overlook to complain about new constructed residences

No matter new is constructed in Kyiv, it turns right into a scandal. New skyscrapers, motels, workplace buildings, theaters. The whole lot is greeted with a protest. So to not embarrass your self, agree with the rebellious locals, that this constructing is totally terrible.

However, as Dostoevksy stated, “A person bastard can get used to all the things”. So firstly we protest after which study to stay with it. Similar occurred to Mom of Motherland monument, new theater in Podil and plenty of different iconic buildings.

…and about outdated Soviet panel buildings

These ones particularly should be disgusted, so make sure that to not inform how a lot you like this Soviet panel buildings – we locals will most likely suppose you’re loopy. Everyone right here likes to complain how chilly and thin-walled these soviet panel buildings are.

Smile method an excessive amount of

If you wish to carry extra consideration and peculiar appears to your persona, smile as a lot as doable. Locals, particularly older ones, for certain will look on you with curiosity. Smile isn’t very cultural factor, what’s extra, locals in Kyiv don’t smile a lot to point out politeness –  both due to Iron Curtain interval or every other cause. As a substitute, take all the things with a pinch of salt.

Choose the dropped pockets from the bottom

Choose the dropped pockets in Kyiv if you would like not solely to humiliate your self, however to get in a state of affairs, when your personal cash will be stolen. Many vacationers complain on Kyiv journey boards in regards to the dropped pockets rip-off in Kyiv. You choose up the dropped pockets after which comply with a person who dropped it, to provide it again to him, pondering you’re gonna make a great factor. Sadly, fairly often it turns right into a rip-off, when a thief says that you simply stole the cash from there and calls for or takes your cash as an alternative. Don’t choose up something from the bottom in Kyiv, even when it’s a crying child.

Hold telling locals how low cost Kyiv is

Hold telling that Kyiv is so low cost that you would be able to purchase all the things right here, even these locals who you might be speaking to. That’s a great way to not solely humiliate your self, however to embarrass locals as nicely. The forex devaluation in 2015 didn’t carry something good to Ukrainians. Although most likely they’ll agree that Kyiv is reasonable to everyone…besides Ukrainians.

Don’t take your backpack off whereas within the metro

Are you in Kyiv metro and questioning the best way to humiliate your self on a prepare? Merely get on a packed metro prepare together with your backpack on, and folks will present you their appreciation and love lightning quick, as you’ll occupy the restricted standing house and block their solution to the exit. There are even particular cartoons on the metro, the place the well-known Ukrainian character Gus is instructing you easy guidelines in Kyiv metro: taking your backpack off is considered one of them.

Stand on the left facet of escalator

We, locals in Kyiv, are at all times hurrying someplace. So if you’re trying to find sure methods to humiliate your self in Kyiv, ensure you can cease us from hurrying: stand on the left facet of elevator, the place individuals are often strolling down, and block their method. The embarrassment will come very quickly: with the primary passer-by strolling on you and mumbling one thing, and even hitting you.

Don’t clap when the airplane has landed

Clapping on a airplane when it has landed is on of the oldest Ukrainian traditions. Don’t attempt to perceive it and don’t surprise why we do it. Merely don’t embarrass your self and ensure you’re clapping.

Lastly, that’s a pleasant solution to congratulate your self on touchdown in Superior Kyiv – as superior as you might be!